Kink Is Nothing to Fear

featuring kink educator, naturalist, & content creator Rey Arrastia

dedicated to Rust & Revelry

Rey Arrastia, a kink educator, naturalist, and online content creator, joins us for our first-ever full episode covering kink. Because we’ve been told that our kinks aren’t normal-- but in reality, they’re not only completely natural-- but most of us have them. And if we would do more to learn about them, there would be more to embrace, and less to be afraid of.

Featured in this Episode:

Nick Albritton

This episode is dedicated to Rust & Revelry!:

  • Rust & Revelry is a trans-owned business that exists to ensure that other trans, non-binary, and queer folks are surrounded by and adorning themselves in clothes that help them feel seen and loved-- because visibility and support for LGBTQIA2S identities and euphoric expression of gender-related joy saves lives.

Additional Resources:

  • Join the Sex Outside Text Community, a free platform which includes a confidential texting hotline you can contact Tuesdays and Fridays (2-4pm MT) to ask questions and seek resources from a sex educator when it comes to sexual health, relationships, and your personal journey with sexuality and gender.

  • Text SEX OUTSIDE to 435-291-5031 to join the community!

Let’s be friends:


Hosted by Laura Borichevsky.
Cover artwork by Hailey Hirst.
Music by The Wild Wild, Red Licorice, Módl, and UTAH, licensed via MusicBed.

TRANSCRIPT

Note: This transcript was lightly edited and created using a transcription service. As such it may contain spelling errors.

Before we jump in, we wanted to let you know that this episode includes conversation about BDSM, kink, and pornography, includes a brief mention of sexual assault.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

Sometimes it’s just easier to text-- especially when it comes to talking about sex. If you have questions about sexual health, relationships, or your journey with sexuality and gender that you’re not sure who to talk to about-- now you can text us.⁠⁠

The Sex Outside Text Community launched this month, which includes a private hotline service where a sex educator will be responding one-on-one to your (non-emergency) questions and can help you chat through things over text.⁠⁠

Every Tuesday and Friday from 2-4pm MT, you can text us and we'll be there to answer. ⁠⁠When we can, we’ll provide resources for you to continue your research. And if you have a question outside of hotline hours, drop us a text anyway. We’ll get back to you as soon as the hotline opens.

To get plugged into this free texting community, send the message "SEXOUTSIDE" to our number: 435-291-5031.⁠⁠ That’s all you have to do, and we’ll be in your phone the next time you need someone to turn to. Text SEX OUTSIDE to 435-291-5031.

Rey Arrastia: 

My name is Reyhanna Arrastia, but most people call me Rey, and you can call me a her— a female, overlord, mistress of the night. I really enjoy all those names, but most people that know me on the internet, call me selkie smooth. And that's my internet name.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

It’s fitting that Rey Arrastia, a kink educator, naturalist, and online content creator, introduced herself with her online handle, @selkie smooth. Partially because that’s how I found her-- from a TikTok video where she was showing users how to do some rather intricate self-tying-- and also partially, perhaps ironically, because Rey’s online name has been a bit of a battle lately. When I first discovered Rey, she was easy to find online as selkie smooth. But many social media platforms, from TikTok to Instagram to Facebook and others-- they have for so long been reinforcing what we’ve been taught to believe about kink. That it’s inappropriate, and abnormal. And that it should be banned. 

Rey Arrastia: 

They're going to continuously take me down. We have a stigma right now that we're trying to remove with, like when people see, they don't think of every other instance that we've seen people wear in history. And in like just everyday like 2021 women are wearing every day, men and women alike. We have the Eagle aesthetic it's filled with and like women wearing corsets. I dare say it's a little bit bonded G little bit. So, you know, it's everywhere in this world, man. So right now I'm fighting TikTok on normalizing shibari.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

At the time of our interview, it was normalizing shibari-- which we did a Nature Quickie on earlier this spring, for those who are interested in learning more specifics about getting started safely in bondage. But at the time of this recording, today-- it’s more than knot tying that Rey’s fighting against with big tech companies. It’s kink education as a whole, and normalizing these conversations has proven to be one uphill battle after another. Currently, Rey’s Instagram account has been deactivated and appeals have been ignored-- which fortunately hasn’t stopped her from posting to Twitter and other platforms. And if you’re wondering why I’m explaining all of this, it’s to underline just *how* systemically hidden conversations about kink can be. Even for someone like Rey, who wants to create community around education, self-exploration, safety, and open dialogue. Because we’ve been told that our kinks aren’t normal-- but in reality, they’re not only completely natural-- but most of us have them. And if we would do more to learn about them, there would be more to embrace, and less to be afraid of.

So yes-- that’s where we’re going today, with Rey. Let’s start talking about kink

I’m Laura Borichevsky. And this is Sex Outside.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

Because this is our first ever full episode focused on kink. And because kink has so many different aspects to it. I first asked Rey to find it for us in her own words.

Rey Arrastia: 

Kink to me is the moment that you are so horny. You're willing to sit in the kitchen sink and do something about it. Kink is when you take what you were taught and you throw it out the window and you do what you want. And I think that's where it starts. 

Laura Borichevsky: 

Ooh, I like that a lot. That's a great way to describe that. For you, what was that journey like with starting to, like you said, like that unlearning, like throwing like that book out the window and doing what you want. Like, what has that journey been like for you in getting started?

Rey Arrastia: 

The journey was so fun for me actually, because I started, I guess my sexual liberation process on the internet. I was a camera model and I realized that all of the things that I was taught to do, wasn't actually not only paying off, but my clients weren't really enjoying it. They weren't sticking with me. I threw it out the window. The moment I realized not only was I not turned on, but they weren't really either not as much as they could be. And that interested me. And so that's when I started to learn about sexual education, learn about endorphin, play, learn about techniques and sensory play and the fun outfits. You're only one half of it. You have to embody the mood. So I learned about the mood portion and who I was. So I really thankful for my camera modeling experience because it allowed me to comfortably explore my kinks and be honest with myself and other people. And as long as I did that, I mean, it's where I am now. I know myself very well because of that.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Well, and it's really refreshing to hear you say that too, that like, you know, I was doing what I thought I was quote unquote supposed to do, but it actually wasn't working, um, not just for you and like you feeling that, but like for other people too. And I think there is this socialized fear around kink and this demonization of it, but at the same time, like there's something very natural about it too, because it's all about exploring what our deepest desires can actually unlock for us. Yes.

Rey Arrastia: 

And I feel like there's this level of shamefulness that we're taught to have like the fear of dirty talking in bed, it's to dirty talk, but even that can be very difficult to do just because of how we were raised and how we socialize on a day-to-day level. It's really hard to be that honest with somebody. So I think that things can get very fast without you knowing it. And it's just having the confidence and the energy to try. And I don't think that we're taught to try.

Laura Borichevsky: 

No, we're not taught to try. Why do you think that is? I have my own reasons for, I think that is why do you think that is?

Rey Arrastia: 

That we’re not taught to try? We're just not sexually educated. We don't have any systems put in place to like look into ourselves and ask ourselves questions before we then go and interact with other people. So I think that that's like the root of the issue. Mostly it's a great control system. Ignorance does it?

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah, that's true. Ignorance does do it. And it also, for me, you're so right. Like we don't have those structures in place that container, for which to like learn about ourselves in a healthy and safe way. But then we also, I think just have this fear about being wrong as a result, right? Like which implies there are like right answers and wrong answers.

Rey Arrastia: 

You're right. The fear of like being wrong in that moment of saying something that somebody doesn't like when you're just like trying something for yourself. Yeah.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Totally. And I love hearing, like in your voice, you're like, yeah, this has been about me. And I've seen that like, as I've continued to put my energy into finding out what really does turn me on and drive my own sense of sexual satisfaction, that other people are also interested in that and drawn to that because I think we all innately are drawn to that energy of finding what works well for each of us individually. Or if we're with partners of any kind, like what works for them. And yeah, that's great to hear. Yeah.

Rey Arrastia: 

I strongly believe that we have a habit of looking to other people like the internet are at boundless access information. What did you do that work for you? And we're not really inspired to just experiment with ourselves. We mean safety is important. That's what you should always research, but like, don't look into other people's experiences, what pet they played or what ties they enjoyed. You have to find like what your body likes it. The more time you spend on yourself, the better, the more knowledgeable you become, like this is a self exploration journey. And then you just share that with other people. It's not something that you're like serving to other people, you know?

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah, totally. I'm curious to hear more about like, when you talk about finding out what you like, and there is, of course the element of, we don't want to look to people in order to like carbon copy what they're doing and expect the same result. Right. And at the same time, like what resources are out there in general to learn about these different facets of kink and where can people go or where have you gone to learn about some of this personally?

Rey Arrastia: 

I don't follow a lot of people on Instagram, but I do follow people that inspire me type in type in can community. I did that for a while and I managed to accumulate a bunch of people that inspired me to try. And I own things as sexual educators. I have a book from, what is it, Zoey Leagon. Zoe Leagon is somebody that I followed maybe five years ago actually. And she's just come out with her first book. So it's just following the people that inspire you because nine times out of 10, they're going to do amazing things and you will too. You'll find yourself in it. So I have just been so curious I guess, and made it so that I was, if I'm not surrounded by people, I'm surrounded by their content and their creations. And that inspires me. So Zoe Leakin, somebody on Instagram and on Twitter, she owns, I think it's like spectrum boutique. And she's inspired me to be pretty unapologetic when exploring my own sexual education. And I manipulate the internet to my benefit because I have an issue with using technology sometimes. Like I don't like it. So if I'm going to, I like to make sure that when I do use it, I have just like education all over my face. Like I, all I want to see are the things that inspire me.

Laura Borichevsky: 

“Education all over my face” is a great phrase. [ laughter ] That's awesome. And I, I also, I know that there's like this really amazing dichotomy that I think is so honest in this conversation of like, we talked about the word naturalist and like what we're building as humans and, you know, the animals build things and the humans also build things and it's all natural. And at the same time, like you called out very, very smartly that one of the things that we have been building is this online world as well. And that is a part of our environment now is being online. Can you speak a little bit more to that because I know you've spent a lot of time online, especially like you said, publicly exploring your own sexuality and sharing that with others and learning from others as well.

Rey Arrastia: 

Yeah. So being a naturalist for me in the kink world, like bottom line is when I look at nature and I look at how I process the things in life, I look to nature to process it. So is it mirrored in the nature around me and trees and water or in the animals? Are there ways that I can make sense of it? And when I'm producing my content, for instance, what it means to be a naturalist when I'm creating my kink content, I want to be giving people raw, like, like the bark of a tree, raw content. I'm not going to filter out my body. I'm not going to remove my stretch marks or my texture. I want to provide this natural what I would call my own personal beauty to the world to allow other people to feel just more present. I suppose, I'll edit photos and lighting more than anything to make the picture more easy to see, but I don't like to hide what it means to be a human and a sexual human. Sometimes there's blood, there's sweat, there's cellulite. Sometimes there's a little bit of dooky. Like shit gets wild and that's something we need to normalize. I have body hair. And even at the body hair at bare minimum triggers people so negatively. So I, I fight every day. What people think is normal or natural with what I believe is normal and natural. Yeah.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Well, and using the words normal and natural together is so interesting too, because I do feel like the more I've been getting involved in sex outside and exploring like what it means to be looking at our natural world and sex, especially through the lens of being a human, like what society has perceived as quote unquote normal is often like either the opposite or just one tiny, tiny slice of what is natural for humans. Right. And that's so restrictive.

Rey Arrastia: 

Yeah. It's like some sort of elitist perspective of what it means to be human so that people feel like this, this superiority, this strength or togetherness that they otherwise wouldn't feel like the self-worth that they wouldn't feel if they had body hair or if they, um, who knows what, anything that's out of the norm, we all have the same box. We all live in a house with the same stuff inside of it. And that's the norm. And if they see anything different or less than that, it's become some sort of, you're a hippie or you're out of touch. So it's really important to not lose your mind and all of this don't become out of touch while becoming a naturalist, but don't allow other people to affect what it means for you to be yourself. And if you being yourself is growing body hair on your body, like you naturally do. And other people have a problem with it. It's really telling of their structural soundness, if you will, like, they are very easily affected and that's, it's hard. Sometimes you realize in the kink world that what makes other people uncomfortable were what would make you uncomfortable. And you would respond to maybe with curiosity or a smile on your face. Other people will get upset.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah. And I think, especially when it comes to sex in any type of a conversation about sex, but especially when we start talking about kink, because it is driven very much so by what turns each individual person on and all of the little like quirks or nuance or specificity that goes into that. And I do think it's like that that makes people uncomfortable. Right. And I'm going to assume, because you have an online following and you talk about this a lot online. I'm going to assume that you've also dealt with some of these types of comments or ideas being thrown at you on the internet too. Is that correct?

Rey Arrastia: 

Oh yeah. All the Time somebody feels comfortable enough to tell me their opinion and it's all about how you handle it. But then again, it's like, there's an expectation that comes with the internet and this new realm where like in person, if somebody walked up to you and they said, shave your jungle armpits, you'd be like, excuse me. Who do you think you are? And that response isn't exactly desired on the internet. People on the internet want you to brush things off, to ignore it, to be the bigger person. And in my opinion, it just promotes bystander mentalities. So the internet is an everyday battle for somebody that might be more naturalist and somebody who's a little bit more organic, you're going to find challenges that you feel like otherwise you wouldn't walk away from, but you can because it is the internet, but should you still, I won't. So it really challenges your wit and your, your charisma. You gotta be smart. You gotta make them smile while holding your ground.

Laura Borichevsky: 

That sounds like a lot of energy to put into something too, especially like, you know, just creating content requires energy. And then also dealing with all the commentary that can go along with that, the wide ranging amount of commentary. What is it that inspires you to create online in this way, as opposed to like, I don't know anywhere else or doing anything else in like another form of media, what do you like about having an online community?

Rey Arrastia: 

I liked my online community a lot because it allows me to be independent and I seem to have an independence complex where I can't work for people very well, but I can work with them if we're on the same page. So my internet community allows me to control everything and it allows me to move at my own pace. And that's really nice because I think I spent a lot of my life controlled by other people and waking up at their hours and smiling when they needed me to and doing this job and working for myself and providing content for a community of people that is meaningful to me and potentially them, if they're looking for it makes me feel like my day, it really is controlled by me and that my potential is infinite and that the more I grow, the more my community grow, it just feels like growth, man.

It feels very valuable and it really just takes the right content creator. I mean, other people might hold this community in their hand and not do anything with it, but I see the community and I see myself as equally valuable and a mirror of my potential. So this online community done a lot for me because it's allowed me to be myself in my best and worst moments where if I were to work for somebody else and I have an involved in like the porn community and even camera modeling, I worked for a studio and they were controlling my sexual impulses telling me when I needed to be sexy and at what times and what hour and to work for them. So it gives me the power that I deserve. Especially as somebody with this much self control, some people can work with other people better. I definitely am not one of them.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah, it sounds too, like, just the way you were talking about working for somebody else, especially in doing camera modeling work and you know, other types of work in the porn industry to have other people telling you what you need to do, especially when it's around like sexual urges and like when, and for what? Like that doesn't sound natural, right?

Rey Arrastia: 

Like it's not, it's not natural at all. It completely removes that sex appeal where you'd be like, otherwise you, like, if you didn't tell me to do this, I would totally be aroused right now because you're telling me, I'm thinking about my dinner last night. Like I'm out of touch. So I, yeah, like, um, my friend for instance, and no shame on anybody does anything. And definitely not that she's a powerhouse. Um, she works in the porn industry, her name's Maya Pharrell, and she's a tank of a woman when she did camera modeling. We're very different. I'm very improv. I can do things off the top with my mind and what I'm interacting with. She's more of a natural, when it comes to scripts, she can remember anything she moves perfectly. And that's just, it goes to show that when it comes to your sexuality and it comes to your expression of that, it's affected by different things.

We're all entirely unique. I could not work the way that she does as fluidly and as confidently. And she could not work in the way that I do as fluidly or as confidently, because it's just, you're either quick thinking on it or you're somebody who's bringing an energy and maintaining it and going by a script and pausing like she has the ability to have, this is what it is. She has the ability to stop a scene and to pat her head off and, and, and take those moments of self. And then immediately snap back into a scene where I don't have that ability. I have to be, it's gotta be a mood. It has to be present. Otherwise I'm not available. So I think it would be like that necessary presence versus that self control that she has, that makes us very different, but we're both huge naturalists. So when it comes to real life, like we're always outside gardening together. We are huge environmentalist. So I love her to death. 

Laura Borichevsky: 

I can hear that. And like, I love hearing that too. Um, and I love the thought of you too. Like, I don't know her at all, but I love the thought of like you out gardening also like with friends, especially with like other friends who share like this same common connection of like self exploration when it comes to sex and working in the same industry. And I think that that's so special.

Rey Arrastia: 

Yes. We’re so different in our style. But when it comes to our brains and our hearts, we care so much. And that's what unites us and that care that will bring you a community that is so like, it's, it'll never die. My love for her will never die. And same with my community.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

Stay put-- Rey’s going to get deeper into some aspects of kink, after this.

AD BREAK - About Rust & Revelry

  • Rust & Revelry is a trans-owned business that exists to ensure that other trans, non-binary, and queer folks are surrounded by and adorning themselves in clothes that help them feel seen and loved-- because visibility and support for LGBTQIA2S identities and euphoric expression of gender-related joy saves lives.

Rey Arrastia: 

There is consent and non-consent, and on the internet, knowing that difference is important.

Laura Borichevsky: 

One of the things that Rey is super passionate about when it comes to navigating online sex education and content sharing is consent, especially when it comes to BDSM and kink.

Rey Arrastia: 

I think that it's ethically correct to always put a trigger warning on anything. If it's in and it's a deviant art, 100% put a trigger warning on it, out of respect for everybody in the world that can easily access your information. And that's how I feel. I'm just, I think that that's so important and you'll find that the more ignorant sex workers or people who work in the sex industry are not going to do that. And I've had a lot of personal issues with many of them because it's the youthfulness and the naivety behind it to think. So, selfishly that you can just express yourself sexually and be as as you want. And just put it out there for everyone to see. And if it hurts them, it hurts them. That's not what sex is about. That's not what kink is about. It's just a sad attempt to make a buck and we're letting people get away with it too often.

And I think that that's something I'm very, I'm not a huge fan of cancel culture only because it doesn't work properly. It needs to happen. It's a product of this bystander internet world that we live in, people are going to be outraged. So to put a trigger warning on any of your NCN content, any of your blood play content, and I play anything is super important. And I advise everyone to do it. This is a world that we cannot control. We can't see the moments in porn where the pornographers stop and they ask everyone if they're okay, we don't see those moments. So it's important to provide that on the internet, at least

Laura Borichevsky: 

You're so right. And I hadn't heard the word consent tied into that very often when it comes to like internet content, but you're right. Like when we put content warnings or trigger warnings on things, we are giving people the opportunity to choose, to opt in with their consent to that content versus not putting a warning on there or a heads up of some kind. And yeah, we're just moving forward with what we want and not giving anyone the opportunity to consent.

Rey Arrastia: 

To consent to it because you could potentially trigger them negatively. You don't know their past, you don't know what they've been through. And I think it's a huge misconception, especially for women to think that men haven't experienced sexual assault and equally as traumatic ways. So even if your community is a bunch of men, you need to be mindful of that. And it makes it so that people don't respect what we're doing. They look at that and they think that we are just, we're sick. We're crazy. We're just trying to be edgy. The word edgy is so used, but, and that makes it horrible for the community of people who have tied so much self-healing self-growth to the art of their themselves and their fetish, you know, makes it harder.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah, when you said healing, like, I love hearing that tied to kinks. What does that mean? Whether it's for you don't have to share about like for yourself personally, unless there's like some way you'd like to, but like, is there any way that you've seen or experienced healing as a part of kink and sex play? I

Rey Arrastia: 

I can say outside of my own experience, from what I've witnessed, just being a camera model and going through all my adjustments, I realized that there were so many, one of the key details to my adjustment and appreciation for kink and throwing that book out the window was noticing that these people need affection and attention. And I do too in many ways. And we aren't taught to be present in our sexual energy. We aren't taught to be present with ourselves or other people, and we have this idea of insignificant relationships. So I've found that, especially with the internet, when it comes to self-healing and the kink community, if you're a mindful enough, you can provide an environment for somebody to feel the self-worth appreciation and love that they deserve to have in their life. And it's very difficult for many people to get that it's to ask for it is hard. Sometimes, sometimes you feel like you need to earn it. So many people are just like us. And I think that in the kink community, we have the unique opportunity to offer that comfort to each other in a very consensual and controlled way, which leaves room for a lot of healing.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah, that's so well said. I can also see too, like as someone who's just recently myself started following more kink accounts, which is how I found you. I imagine too, that just modeling that even to other people, by being like, Hey, here are things that I'm interested in. Like, I recently read some of your posts about how much you love texture. And I was like, wow, that's great that Ray knows that about herself. And like, I don't know that about myself and I I'm betting a lot of people listening to this podcast. Don't know if that's something that they like, if that's something that drives them sexually or not. And if so, like how, and in what ways, and so it was great just to see that. And I'm like, oh, there's so many more ways we can be caring for ourselves as people by exploring who we are and what we love,

Rey Arrastia: 

Like, think about why you wear the things that you wear. What is your style and why do you have so much furry stuff? There were pastel colors, there's your aesthetic. And your day to day life, how you live, it does translate into your cake life entirely. And it's really just opening your eyes to that. And the more, you know, the more you can observe and then practice. When I came into sensory play, I realized how many different textures I have. It's never one thing. I like things that feel good or isolate sensation and targeted. Those are I've noticed I had my whole entire house is surrounded by Texas. Anything I touch, I will get off to. It was just awesome and not get off too in a sexual way. It just, it arouses my mind and my presence. It makes me feel good. So, I mean, for anybody you just look around and just think about what you have a lot of and think where that might tie into your sex life or your intimacy levels with yourself and other people. And you can kind of go from there. I remember you saying something about, um, eco fetishism and I was really thinking about, and I came across a video of a woman explaining primal nature to me. Uh, and I was able to actually tie the two together for myself, which was really interesting. So it's like, it's really just think about it, let your mind explore and you can find yourself in anything really.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah. That's so true. Well, and I, I love too that yeah, you, you went on a little exploration journey of your own, like after that conversation, cause I saw your eyebrows go up and I was like, yeah, I've just like started hearing more and reading more about eco fetishism, but I'm like brand new to learning anything about it. And you were like, oh cool. And I was like, oh, I wonder if that's going to spark something. So that's really great.

Rey Arrastia: 

It did. It did actually. The first thing I thought of after our conversation was like this reoccurring thought that I have about nature and why it's like, this is really random guys. So don't judge me without doubt you will. But sometimes when I look at the bark of a tree, I haven't an image of myself like grinding my body against it, literally humping a tree, bare naked. And obviously I don't do it because it might hurt a lot. But it's such even now about it is such an arousing, thought something about the bark of each tree arouses me the life. And it's, it goes beyond just like the inanimate object of a tree or something. It's not dynamic, but the tree it's like, it's a part of nature. Something I respect about. I love the age and the wisdom that I think the tree represents. And it just, I love, I'm such a tree hugger. I will fuck a tree. That's what I realized.

Laura Borichevsky: 

And thank you for saying that because you're not alone in that. And there are so many folks who aren't going to talk about that. And also it is completely natural to think about those things and to be turned on by those things. And I think that's like something else that I really have been meditating on and reflecting on myself is the idea that yeah, like we as humans observe our world around us and we say, okay, like every animal plant living thing builds its own systems for things. And it behaves in its own way. And oh, that animal behaves actually that way, isn't that interesting. And like there's no judgment attached to it and we'd, you know, expect that anything that animals or plants or other, you know, like sea life have built insects to be able to reproduce or even to experience pleasure. Like we're all about, it's very interesting to us. There's nothing but curiosity, but you get to humans and you get to things like kink and people are like, oh no, that's completely unnatural and not okay. And you're like, why is there this block here? Yep.

Rey Arrastia: 

I don't understand that either. I think it just goes back to the human superiority complex that we all are kind of taught to have like human superior human don't do as animal do until, you know, people see what humans do in bed. And they're like, you know what, I'd rather do that. I'd rather do that than be tied up and spanked with a leather belt. Like sure. Let's just go have sex at a picnic. That sounds great. I think the, yeah, humans have a huge superiority complex that makes their nose go so far up that they can't see what's right in front of 'em and like what could just make their life happier? I think that I realized that like the older you get the society and the world around us forces our head so far up, we can't see the things that would make us less wounded and like have more fun, be more playful.

I think that we, as we get older and turn into adults and how our lives and our brains work, we limit ourselves from experiencing pleasure in new ways that childlike sense of wonder kind of disappears. And you're like, this is what's known, this is what we do. And anything that doesn't make sense around that, it'll just immediately be chalked up to something weird deviant or misunderstood or trauma. And I think that even having that nose up thing is a personal trauma. I think that kids are traumatized at young ages to have to be adults. And that comes with this level of just not being present and looking into new things, just like the older we get, the more we crystallize and I fear the most. I think that's why I actively in trying to encourage people to look into what makes them uncomfortable because I find that that is the solution to this crystallization problem.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Yeah. I was just going to ask you, like, what do you think folks need to do in order to break into finding the things that actually give them pleasure? You know, like yeah. What's the antidote for that. And it sounds like you said, you know, like looking into the things that make them uncomfortable, what does that mean? Or does someone start with that?

Rey Arrastia: 

It’s hard to say outside of my own experience, obviously. So I can say that while I was exploring pet play, I did a month of pet play exploration. It reminded me of age play, and I used to hate age play for many different reasons. I would not advocate for it. I didn't understand it though. That was the issue. I didn't do my own research because it made me uncomfortable. The idea and the concept, I couldn't make sense of it. And nothing taught me at the time. For some reason, I didn't do my own research on it. So with pet play, I did end up doing research on it and come to find out that I have recently regressed myself, regression and age play. It's like the more, you know, the more you understand and the more you can practice for yourself. And I think that humans, we tunnel vision on the negative qualities of things and how negative feelings are in our bodies sometimes so much so that we refuse to learn.

And we refuse to even acknowledge things or to ask questions. Sometimes people, rather than curious, they're just skeptical. So they ask the wrong questions and it's taking that step past the skeptic nature. And just being curious, once you get to that step, and you're curious about the things that make you uncomfortable, you can find yourself inside of them a little bit more and kink isn't about other people and the things that they are trauma it's about yours. It's about your experience of things. Deviant art. Isn't about one specific practice within one pet play. Everyone's a Wolf or everyone's a dog. No, you are going to find yourself in this and how you choose to be that dog is going to be, it's telling of your experience as a human. The only relating thing is that maybe you're a little bit more non-verbal and you want to please somebody, but the rest that comes with it, it's all you.

So my problem with age play would have been, you know, the obvious tie, like child abuse. I can't stand it and who can, but people who have experienced it themselves find closure self-healing and power and themselves in that. And I just think that we all have habits of regression and I would have not learned that had I not looked into the one thing that made me uncomfortable when my brother passed away, I regressed without realizing it. And I started purchasing a lot of stuffed animals. And now in my bedroom, I have a corner of stuffed animals. I've never been like that. So while I was talking about that on my Instagram page, talking about all that, I've learned my friend messages, me, and she goes, yay for learning. And did you notice you have an age play corner? It's it's my little kitty corner. It's full it's. I go there to regress and just, just feel my soft pillows and hold them and just feel like I'm safe. I have a safe corner and that's totally tied to age play with. The more I learned it is exactly that and these things aren't always sexual too. And I think that that's just like the adult human mind, just unconsensually projecting sexuality onto things that they don't understand. So you need to look into the things that make you uncomfortable to be the strongest, most wise human that you can be. Yeah.

Laura Borichevsky: 

Thank you for sharing all that. I think that that's super eye opening and something that a lot of folks, yeah, they don't want to talk about, because I think there are all these like assumptions that people immediately start putting up where it's like, we make all these binary connections and that's why we don't even start those conversations. Right. Cause it's like, well, I'm afraid of being judged. And it's like, let's do research and look at what is actually going on here. And also why are we always tying everything to a sexual act when maybe it also is not that case?

Rey Arrastia: 

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Patterns. So many patterns that we have to break and it's an independent thing. And that's why I get a lot of messages on Instagram where people are like, where should I start to get my partner into this too, to get my partner into? Or what should I do to tie them up or again, to a role play. And I'm always telling them like, you're already at the wrong point, you should be looking into yourself. How can you entertain yourself within this? Have you self tied? Have you tried to act like an animal yourself? Have you done anything independently to know what you can then offer other people? Because once you know yourself, you can open up those conversations. Cause you know exactly what it is like age play. For instance, the Teddy bears. If I had not known about my regression, but still had that interest, I may not know how to formulate a question for my partner to make them comfortable with what I'm asking of them, because I don't have the knowledge of myself yet to verbalize it. And so that's why I really have to start with yourself.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

And speaking of starting with herself-- Rey has been taking a lot of time to think about ecofetishism, which was something I brought up to her in a phone call prior to our recorded interview. She hadn’t done much research on it at the time, but it’s something that caught her attention in a big way, even dedicating one of her Kink of the Months this year to studying and practicing it more in depth.

Rey Arrastia: 

I don't know. I guess I've been thinking about the eco fetishist. It's been stuck in my mind since you've mentioned it to me, cause I never thought of myself as a primal player. So I guess more than anything, I just want to talk to you about primal play because it ties into that eco fetishism in a very interesting way, my primal play and where I find it as like an environmental primal attachment, like eco fetishism for me, seems like a world of its own and you can apply different kinks to it within its own Relic. If you're a vegan, you'll probably find a lot of comfort in eco fascism. But I found comfort in it by looking at my primal nature. I never thought I was a primal player until I realized that it wasn't being hunted or being the hunter. My tunnel vision was lifted.

And I realized I sent people, you might be like this to pheromones. Like if I have a mates around me, I will sent them and I'll circle them a little bit and I'll challenge them to see if they're a worthy mate. It's very animalistic of me where I always thought of primal play and like that world as something a little bit more aggressive and less brain like more just like attack and take what you want and be like an animal. But it's more than that. You know, my eco fetishism is humping trees and smelling my mates like a lioness. And I think that that was wild. I'm thinking about it a lot lately. I think

Laura Borichevsky: 

That's super fun. And like what a great way to now be able to, since you like also love being outside too, like to continue to make those kinds of connections too, and then bringing it back to like wherever you are in your own, like sexuality and sexual behaviors. And that's really fun.

Rey Arrastia: 

Yeah. It's really awesome. And I have a partner in my life right now that really inspires me to do those things. Like he'll walk around with me outside and he'll just put his hand around like a tree stump to measure if it's as big as his dick. And I just watched him and I'm like, Hmm, looking to nature to find yourself beautiful, inspiring, really? And he'll just do that with anything. So it's just, we're all, it's so funny. It's awesome. I want to hump a tree. He wants to gauge if he's bigger than the tree, we were all just trees.

Laura Borichevsky (narration): 

Thank you so much to Rey Arrastia for her time and total candor in this conversation. As we mentioned at the top of everything, Rey has been dealing with censorship issues on social media lately, but you can typically find her on Twitter @selkiesmoother. Right now she’s also on Instagram @selkieskins and TikTok as @selkiesmoothest.

You can catch full episodes of Sex Outside every other week on Thursdays, and on the opposite weeks, you can hear brand new Nature Quickies, which are short, 5-minute dives into specific, practical topics about our bodies and the outdoors-- so stay tuned to catch a new one next Thursday. In the meantime, please consider supporting the show by leaving us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, making sure you’re subscribed, or by sharing this episode with a friend you think might like it.

Music is by the Wild Wild, Red Licorice, Módl, and UTAH. 

I’m Laura Borichevsky. Thanks for joining us. Until next time!

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